a month in America

Visiting the USA was quite an experience. It is always comforting to return to the things that don’t really change- the town I grew up in, my house, my good friendships, my parents. But I had a lot of work to do, confronting all of the structures with which I had grown up. I also returned to old family dynamics, old worries, or generally the ‘system’ in America. This was harder to confront, some things more than others, but in the end I firmly believe that it is necessary to understand where you come from in order to go anywhere.

I want to recommend a book called “the Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller. While I think that Miller takes a bit of an extreme approach to turning childhood into pathology, she has some extremely poignant passages and insightful connections. She explained with great empathy and compassion the origins of why children learn to hide their “true self” and I realized that my experience of ‘doing everything that I thought I wanted but not being happy’ was not at all unique. Many people develop concepts of themselves based on ‘the way they are supposed to be’ out of necessity, and it is rare to have a childhood where one is actually taught to listen to ones “true self”. In reality, from a very young age, as a manipulative mechanism to gain love and approval, we learn to morph ourselves into what our parents or society needs/expects from us. We learn act according to what is dictated by our source of love or stability, thus securing it for ourselves, but at the same time disregarding genuine feelings and spontaneous reactions. (A simple example is a child ignoring his basic instinct to cry and be sad when his pet dies, because he ‘needs to be strong.’) Sometimes this becomes clear later in life by patterns or neuroses that arise, or sometimes we just realize that we are not happy, and we are missing our real “Self”. It becomes hard to know what we are ‘feeling’ without immediately judging it and reacting.

Now there are many ways to distract from this disconnect- to go through the motions and base our happiness on our achievements (which I was doing), to buy things, to take drugs, to get Religion, to get swept away by emotion, all kinds of escapes. But not until we confront the suffocated child within, and become aware that we have been acting out the same patterns and anxieties that the generation before instilled in us, can we start to heal the wounds. I initially became aware of this during the Vipassena course, and experienced some ‘new’ emotions, but not until I came to the USA and through my reintegration to the same patterns and dynamics, and conversations with various people, have I started to open up and feel the ocean of emotion and vulnerability. All of the pain, sadness, hate, anger, jealousy, love, happiness, and excitement come together and is part of the spectrum of human existence. So many natural feelings that I have been trained to disregard or to ‘tone down’ have started to appear—suppression or denial does not make them go away. And once they have a voice again, there is no need to attach to them, try and fix them, or act on them. As the Buddhists say, they just Are. And that’s ok. And I feel it this moment, I might not feel it in the next…

Wow. What a process. Another good book “the places that scare you” is about finding comfort in all of those ever-changing unknown (lacking stability therefore scary) places. Because that’s reality, and the more we try and fit the ever-changing world into a concrete box and control it, the more we are fooling ourselves for momentary comfort, thus perpetuating our own cycle of suffering.

after the monastery: re-integration to the West

After two weeks in the secluded monastic community, where through the vipassena course I made some headway in the process to cleanse my mind and body from negative patterns (see preceding post), I traveled for 3 days and arrived at my parents house in the USA, my first visit in a year. Needless to say, it was quite a shock.

I came to the US with a list of things to buy which are expensive in Israel, but I have absolutely no desire to buy stuff. With each thing I buy, I feel all these pressures and attachments. With my new computer, which on a practical level I absolutely needed to buy, I feel the weight of this hefty investment- what if something happens to it? What if my programs don’t install correctly? What if the Israeli customs makes me pay tax? This one necessary item has already triggered in my brain a series of worries/thoughts stemming from my attachment to this item. While I am enjoying the computer, the notion that I worry about it when I am driving in the car makes me want to go home and throw it away.

I feel this pressure, this incongruity between my new values and the culture that I am returning to. I am overwhelmed by all of the stimulation, and disappointed in myself in how susceptible I am to it, and how I find myself returning to old patterns. After 5 minutes at the mall I am overwhelmed by the mess of advertisements, sales, things that trigger my inner dialog: “I need that, I want that”; and then after further contemplation realize that I don’t actually need or want any of it.

So the question arises: How do I somehow incorporate all of these Eastern Truths within the framework of such a Western culture? For now, I need to return to my career and live as a contributing member of Western Society. But I have experienced the Truths of the East and know them to be accurate. And I want to live my life genuinely and not fall back into the shell of judgment and putting my Truth aside for practicality or fake comfort.

Firstly: Meditation. In the beginning when I arrived in the States, I intended to meditate every single day, and as I am still traveling and don’t really have a space of my own yet it is hard to find time/space to do this every day. Then this becomes another self-judgment (You didn’t meditate today, Arielle! Bad girl!) So I have re-examined this goal, and I will try to meditate when possible in appropriate conditions conducive to meditation. If the opportunity is there and it feels right, I want to take it and meditate. Because no matter what, even if I am not stressed; meditation helps focus my awareness to the present, and to my body. But no pressure, If I forget then I forget. It shouldn’t be a chore. But in the end, meditation helps one become aware almost from outside of the underlying feelings and issues involved in situations, and helps one focus and filter while putting into perspective day-to-day issues that cause stress, worry, anxiety.

Secondly: Live Genuinely. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Its that simple. Since India, I have been inspired by the idea that I can actually paint and try to make it work as a career. As a creative person, I will find creative ways to arrange my life so I make money, if I need to get other jobs, or do side work, I am willing to do that in exchange for not having to sit in some stuffy office 50 hours a week. Also, I love working as a designer in theory, just not under some unappreciative business that doesn’t value design. Therefore, If I work freelance (or even in a design firm) with clients that appreciate for my design skills, then I am both valued for my merits and have more creative freedom. All the energy that I spent in the past on companies that took advantage of my tireless work ethic, I can now focus on making contacts, furthering good design, and on working intentionally. (not as some blind worker bee). This also has to do with being genuine, because in this scenario I am able to recognize what is going on within myself (through awareness), instead of having to function as some robot that compartmentalizes everything, ignoring what is going on in my mind and body.

So I think I will start freelancing a few days a week, and painting the other days. This is what I want to do; it feels right. Yes, I am scared. Yes, it is less practical and will be much harder to make a steady income. But if there is a time to do it and try, then now is that time. Who knows what will develop, either with my art or design, but I am open to whatever possibilities arise, because for once I am doing what makes me happy, in a way that feels good. No expectations. I am excited for this opportunity, and I guess that’s how it is in the beginning- you struggle a bit. And I am definitely not averse to struggle. Every time in my life that I have been scared/excited/nervous to start a new journey like this, has lead to an amazing experience. And it has all been worth it. So bring it on!

Thirdly: Metta, loving-kindness for Self. This one is the hardest, as it is less concrete and takes a lot of patience. On a practical level, it means taking good care of myself, i.e. eating healthy, exercising, sleeping well. But beyond that, it is also allowing myself the freedom to be tired one day and not exercise, or to indulge sometimes, without feeling guilty. Part of the middle way is to allow myself to be HUMAN and not box myself into rigid schedules, and not expect myself to be perfect all the time. I need to allow myself time to adjust to my new career and lifestyle choices, and not expect to ‘figure it all out’ in two weeks. I need to be patient with myself if it takes more time than I would have liked, or I feel it is difficult, or if I lapse into old patterns sometimes. At the monastery they always said: “make effort” and that’s the best you can do- a real genuine effort, and just keep at it. It is a process and takes time.

Fourthly: Metta, loving-kindness for Others. Also difficult and demanding much patience, to approach my relationship with others with love. Once I love myself, I feel complete and not lacking anything that I need to ‘get’ from the external world. Therefore, I can approach others from a clean viewpoint, not expecting to fulfill something for myself. I can accept (and be patient) others for who they are, and help them to become happy. To see others as unique individuals that are also looking for happiness, and that have their own struggles and journey.

I cannot expect from others to understand where I am spiritually, and will only suffer if I try to control their reactions. But I can accept them for where they are in their personal spiritual journey, and love them for who they are at this moment.

Fifth: Equanimity. Also tough while in the moment to attain, but a good goal to meditate upon. To, throughout this process, try to keep composure (with help from meditation, introspection, love) in this ever-changing, uncontrollable, transient existence!

Thai vipassena

After a month and a half in India, experiencing life without an itinerary, without conditions, I took a 10-day Tibetan Buddhism course in Dharamsala, India and found it very intriguing. Through a series of fortunate events thereafter, I decided to do a vipassena course at Wat Chom Tong Meditation Center, a monastery in Northern Thailand a few days later.

The Buddha taught not to accept any beliefs as true without personal experience. So through meditation, one learns to experience as truth the major precepts of Buddhist philosophy. The meditation starts out walking/sitting 10 min of each gradually increasing every day. Thai vipassena includes walking meditation, which was a big reason why I specifically wanted to study in Thailand rather than India. There are also daily meetings with a Teacher who gives instruction on the meditation, Buddhist philosophy, and an open discussion about your practice. The point of Vipassena (awareness) meditation is that through meditation we become aware of all of the stuff going on in our body and mind: thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And instead of trying not to have them, or control them, which are both impossible; you recognize whatever is happening, label it, and instead of attaching to it, bring your attention back to your body.

For example, if during a walking meditation I start to think about a conversation two weeks ago and then worry what the other person thought about me, I will, through awareness training, become aware of this thought pattern, label it “worrying”, and immediately shift my focus back to my walking. In the beginning, of course, every second there is a new thought/feeling/sense that you are aware of, and by this act of labeling and focusing back to the body, you bring your attention back to the present moment. The mind becomes quieter and one becomes much more aware of oneself.

I realized that so many of the things coming up were worries, thoughts about situations, what other people think, what happened in the past, what will happen in the future. These are all major topics of stress and worry which, upon contemplation, are totally beyond control. I would go into a meeting with my teacher describing all of these thoughts, and why I felt that way (through my own psychoanalysis) and in the end realized that all of these anxieties and worries stem from trying to control an uncontrollable situation. I would constantly search for a reason as to why I feel/act certain ways, in order to control them. But with every ‘solution’ the next day I would find a different one. They are just labels to one of a series of reasons as to what happened in a particular situation. And knowing them will not make me happy or give me control.

Buddhism views emotions, thoughts, and feelings all as uncontrollable. This is described as Anatta, or ‘void’ lack of self. There is no ‘Me’ to produce all of these outside variables. The emotions/thoughts/feelings do not in actuality reflect upon any ‘self’ that creates them- they just are. Unattached to the ‘me’. We want to control these thoughts/emotions because our ego posits them as an extended part of the Self, but they are not.

So what happens when I am angry? Shouldn’t I try and control it? No, you feel it in the moment, without judgment, and then it will pass. Enter Anicca, a major truth of Buddhism, which describes all existence as impermanent. Everything is constantly changing, constantly in flux. Whatever someone thinks at this moment, will change in the next. Whatever anger I feel right now, will soon pass to another feeling. All we have is the present. And in fact we can’t hold on to it because as soon as we realize it, it has changed to a new moment.

The whole cycle of mental happenings and our attachment to them is called Dukkha, a noble truth which describes our situation in the world as ‘unsatisfactory’, or as it has also been described, suffering. This speaks to our socialized brains, which immediately turn every thought/feeling/emotion inward and absorb it into the ego, constantly analyzing or judging ourselves based on these thoughts. And what does that do? It creates another layer of thoughts analyzing the more basic thoughts, adding a layer of judgment and from that need to control. Its like we are an empty vessel, a body for all of these happenings to take place. But our attachment to them is what causes us to suffer. We try to control things, which are uncontrollable, which inevitably leads to an unsatisfactory feeling.

Through meditation, one learns to accept whatever feelings/thoughts are running through the head, recognize them and let them go without attaching judgment or Ego, and shift focus back to the body. It is quite amazing how much mind space this clears up…

I realized that my whole life, I had set up this structure for a ‘good life’, based on what I thought was good, through these layers of self-judgment. And when I was unable to control things, I blamed myself. I recognized my feelings as something my rational mind (judgment) needed to control, and ended up ignoring them.

I felt so free, no expectations, no judgment, just Being. And whatever I feel, its ok because it will pass. My teacher used to say “What are you doing right now? Sitting. What is wrong with this moment right now? Nothing. Its perfect.”

India in brief

So I bought plane tickets and knew some girls who were traveling with me, but other than that, no idea where I was sleeping, traveling to, or what I would encounter. I had two months for the first time in my life, with no ‘plan’. I cried on the way to the airport, scared out of my mind.

Let me just say, that I have never felt so free in my life. It is such a wonderful feeling, to disentangle from the basic attachments of western life- no TV, no Internet, no appointment book with pre-arranged plans. Just me and a backpack with a few personal items, and two months of free time. Simply freedom to choose what I want to do without obligations and expectations. I quickly realized that whatever I did plan, needed to be flexible, there were no times of arrival; instead: when we get there, we get there. When it happens, it happens. We will figure out where we are staying when we arrive. Five more minutes turns into another two hours. And that’s just the way it is, there is no way to fight the flow. I had gotten accustomed to this mindset from Israeli life, לזרום to flow with whatever is happening. But it was even a step more extreme in India. I loved it, it meant I was not expected to do/change anything, I was just able to chill and absorb the vast sights, smells, tastes. The motto in India is “Sub Kuch Malega – Everything is possible”. People there are dreamers; they believe in love, they believe in the divine, they believe in the impossible. They go with their intuition and guts, not necessarily with what is the most practical. They look inside, not outside. They will travel along the side of a mountain for days on dangerous roads, because they find it meaningful to visit the temple of Shiva. Are you scared? Yes. So what? It is what I want to do. It has meaning for me.

This was a total change from the mindset I had been brought up in. I had always taken the practical role, constantly compromising what I want with what I think I need, or what others want.

While In Dharamsala, I went to see a man that interprets paintings. He talked about my painting in a way that related to my life- lots of different elements that are separated and compartmentalized, leaving no space for the freedom, which I need. He told me that when he watched me paint, he saw how each color I picked up inspired me, and how alive I became from the act of painting. He told me that I could continue my path as a designer and eventually find a firm that fits me, or it was also possible to be an artist- to paint, to photograph, to give myself the freedom to evolve. For the first time in my life, someone confirmed my passion, and instead of telling me to put it to the side for something more practical, asserted my gut feeling that IT IS POSSIBLE TO DO WHAT I LOVE.

a bit of background…

Lets start from the beginning. I come from a family of first-born type A personality New York doctors. I was raised to take responsibility for my actions, manage my money, and think before acting. Every hour of my life has been planned: afterschool activities, summer camp, to-do checklists. Every year from age 7 my parents and I would agree and sign ‘contracts’ which described my chores around the house, how much allowance I would receive, clothing budgets, and restrictions and punishments if I did not adhere to the said contracts.

Since I was a child, I have found that the only place I don’t have to contain or conform myself to some ‘expected role’ has been through my artwork. In college, I wanted to major in painting, but after a long discussion with my parents decided that Graphic Design would be a more logical and financially stable career choice. I could always paint on the side in my spare time….

After college I moved to Israel, lived on a kibbutz in the North, learned Hebrew, and then moved to Tel Aviv do do Design. After working for a few years, I realized that there is no such thing in the real world as ‘spare time’. This past year I worked for a company as their sole designer, responsible for every aspect of their design needs and was overworked and overwhelmed. I would eat lunch facing my computer, as fast as possible. I would return from the office to my apartment after dark, immediately go for a run just to feel like a human again, cook dinner at 10pm, and pass out. Every morning I woke up exhausted and with maximum aversion to the day ahead of me.

At some point I realized that everything I had thought I wanted- through my parents and societal standards, and eventually my own, I had achieved. Good job, nice apartment, saving money, good gym routine, etc.  But I still was not really happy. I knew I was missing something so I quit my job and decided to travel a bit to India/Thailand before my yearly visit to see family/friends in the USA.

Good Evening!

Hello, this is my first blog. I have always thought about writing a blog but never actually extended the effort to figure out how to do it. So i figure this is the first step. I don’t really know who I am writing to in this blog, or if its more like an edited diary.. but whatever it is I hope that people enjoy! advanced warning: it may be hard to follow as sometimes i jump from thought to thought without transitions, so try to stay with me